Getting to It, Especially if you Suck.

So I have been noticing a rather large problem among the people I know.  Including myself.  It is a big one, and all of us go through it at one point or another (especially when we are adults).  In fact, it is the number one reason that idiots think that children are smarter than adults (they really aren’t, I can prove it if you want to talk to some of the children I know.)  But children are apparently better at skill acquisition for one large reason.  They don’t care at all that people are watching them.  They suck at everything, and they know it, and they just don’t care.  Then, magically after trying stupidly for years, they acquire a small set of skills that they are decent at, and therefore proud of.  At this point, everything is ruined, because now the kid CARES THAT PEOPLE ARE WATCHING!  Before, when the kid didn’t care, it would go out and do the activities that it sucked at until one day it became good at them.

This child-like quality is enviable, until you realize that you can have it without having to revert to being a total moron.  I discussed gaining momentum in a previous post, but this barrier to behavioral change is the one that is the most prominent for a lot of reasons, and thereby deserves its own post. 1) Sucking makes it feel like you are socially unworthy to do whatever activity you are trying to do.  Social pressure is a huge barrier, and anyone that says they are immune is a total liar.  So let’s address it, instead of letting it rule our lives for the rest of time.  I am going to use skateboarding as the example.  I started skating about 3 weeks ago, and I notice that I start boarding easier if I do it in my basement, or in my own town.  Anywhere but the park, which is where I aught to be if I am gonna get good.

How can I get future Josh to the park?  As usual, by taking a multiple-pronged approach.  Firstly, meditation and presence allow us to identify “socially driven” thoughts AS THEY OCCUR and therefore allows us to do a kind of weeding that would normally not get done (because you aren’t there when the weeds are… fancy that.)  So as usual my first prong is to use presence to identify my barriers, and occasionally totally remove them if they are irrational.

My second prong is to USE SOCIAL PRESSURE TO GET ME TO THE PARK.  I tell my friends that I want to go, and then they start to tell me to go, and now the force that was keeping me from doing something that I like is helping me do it.  I particularly like when this pressure is real-life, but facebook and the cell phone work just as well.  In fact, sometimes better because the ignition for the target behavior can come at any time, even when I am not around my peers who board.  This is huge, because I care more about what my friends think of me when I don’t board than how strangers do if I do, I can easily overcome the desire to not embarrass myself and just go to the freakin park.(Children do this essentially non-stop btw)

The third thing I do (which is it’s own post altogether) is NOT CARE ABOUT THE RESULTS OF THE ACTIVITY.  If you are goal oriented, you will stop doing the activity when you don’t achieve your goals.  OR you will the change the goal, which totally defeats the purpose of having goals in the first place.  Stop expecting things to happen.  Just get on the board.  If you aren’t on the board, I guarantee nothing will happen.  If you are and you “need” to ollie in order to justify the activity, then I will venture a guess that you will not be on the board for very long.  In fact, I can also predict with pretty much perfect accuracy that if you continue to board, you will definitely learn to hate it.  Because it feels like school, which the most goal-oriented of goal-oriented activities (and why no one remembers any of the stupid things they learn at school, because goals are stupid and ineffective.)

So, to review, the first reason we don’t do things because we suck at them is we fear judgement.  To overcome this, be present, use social pressure to your advantage, and stay process oriented.  The second reason sucking causes us to not even start a desired behavior is because we generally feel that having fun comes from being good at something, and if you aren’t good you cannot have fun.  This is a lie, and I can’t wait for you to go meditate it out, I am just going to force-feed you the answer here.  Children, who suck at everything, have garbage loads of fun doing everything.  There brain is essentially just a stupid version of yours, so why, with the same brain, have you learned to hate doing things?  It’s a complicated question, with an even more complicated answer, but a really easy solution.

Stop trying to have fun.  There is no “fun” organ.  You can’t tell yourself to have fun like you tell your right arm to catch a ball, or tell your fingers to type.  Instead, “having fun” is an action that is ELICITED INDIRECTLY FROM YOUR MENTAL CIRCUMSTANCES.  You cannot control most of your mental activities, but there is one you can learn to, all the time, 24-7.  Presence.  If you turn presence on, all the time, you can learn from there to bring the circumstances into reality that make fun happen, and thereby have fun doing the things you want to learn to do.

I can already hear the nay-sayers.  “But idiot! You cannot have fun all the time!” (I already mentioned that children pretty much do, and they do it doing anything, but let’s hear this guy out.) “Fun is something that only happens every once is a while, and you can’t control when it happens, and you certainly can’t LEARN to allow it to happen on it’s own! Are you retarded?”.  No.  I am not.  I can prove that adults do this with a different emotional construct, and they do it naturally and effectively and permanently just like children having fun.

They worry.  You and I worry all day, without trying, and without thinking about it, and without WORRYING ABOUT THE RESULTS OF WORRYING!  We follow the technical definition of mastery for worry.  We are expert worriers.  And lo and behold, just being good at worrying DOES NOT MAKE IT FUN!  Good does not equal fun.  Only fun equals fun.  Which is a relief, because that means you can learn to enjoy any activity (including worrying in my opinion, but I wouldn’t try that for to long, people might start to judge you 😉 )

Damn, I was hoping this post didn’t boil all the way down to presence.  But that’s what goal-less writing is all about.  I hope that was informative.

 


Gaining Meaningful Momentum (and How to Stop it When You Need to)

“Boredom is … a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.” -Bertrand Russell

We are creatures of habit.  This is true in our love lives, our diets, our jobs, our emotional states… heck, even when we feel like going to bathroom runs on habit.  Many people lament this.  They think to themselves “If only I didn’t do things habitually, I could quit doing all this bad stuff on auto pilot!”  But this is incorrect.  A great deal of good comes from being able to use our tendency toward habit to our advantage.  In fact, every great thing done can be reduced to the daily habits that brought it into being.  So it is not worthwhile to whine about our habit nature, instead we must embrace it and learn how habits are made and broken in order to bring about positive change in our lives.  Let’s take an example.  Recently I have started blogging, and I have already formed habits related to this activity.  One is that my paragraphs are huge and difficult to read, another is that I often feel that I “should” blog even though there are literally no negative consequences for not doing it.  Weird right?  What approaches could I take to solve these problems without using a goal centered approach?

First, for paragraphing I could start chunking smaller ideas together as opposed to taking the entirety of a literary idea and using each sentence in the paragraph to back up the main point.  This behavior is what I like to think of as “vestigial”, left over from another activity that I used to do, but now apply where it doesn’t belong.  A prominent example in my life would be when I first moved back into my parent’s house for real.  Every depressing thought and feeling I used to have in high school CAME FLOODING BACK for no good reason after about a month or so of being back.  I went manically depressed, until I realized… “That guy doesn’t live here anymore”.  In fact, he doesn’t live anywhere anymore.  He is, for all intense and purposes, dead and remembered fondly.  “Past Josh” for those that watch “How I Met Your Mother”.  In that case, as well as the paragraphing one, insight into why I was doing a behavior led to it changing.  I felt like crap because that is how I used to live here, and I type in huge paragraphs because that is how academic papers are written.  Knowing that allowed me to just get over it and think/act (thinking and feeling are acting… I promise) differently and reduce my suffering.  You would be surprised how many undesirable behaviors can be changed this way.

However, those behaviors were easy to change because they didn’t fulfill any real human “needs” that I had.  Vestigial behaviors are easy to change.  You just become present to them, think about why you do them and BAM, take life up a notch.  If behaviors fulfill needs, or heaven forbid create NEW NEEDS that need to be filled (drugs can do this, so can destructive relationship behaviors) then it can be more difficult to change them.  One way that works well for me is still to firstly determine the real, deep, human need that is being fulfilled by the behavior I want to change.  Boredom is a big one.  The desire to be socially accepted is another that I have to tackle quite frequently (this one is a trip, and we all deal with it, some of us much more than others).  Since it is unlikely that I am going to stop desiring being accepted, or be able to sit in a blank room all day and not feel bored (this is actually a thing to work toward if you are a minimalist… which I am if that isn’t clear yet.) then I take a new approach.  Instead of removing the ultimate trigger to the behavior, I replace the behavior with a new positive one that fills that same need at the same time that the old behavior occurs. For example, I used to play mafia wars.  That game is retarded.  I stopped by realizing that I did it because I was bored, then when I was bored after that I would do anything else that I felt good about that fulfilled that need.  This took time, and energy, and patience, but now I don’t play that stupid game anymore.

The mafia wars thing also taught me another lesson.  That sometimes you can remove a behavior’s ability to fulfill a need, and thereby make it less powerful and easy to change. Before I stopped playing that game, I found a program online that would play it for me.  That’s right.  You read correctly.  My computer would play a game for me.  A game…  For me.  Games, which are for fun, which computers can’t have.  Anyway, that decision (as irrational as it was… I learned later that no one is rational at all anyway, so that didn’t matter) allowed me to stop playing for a long time, which was key because then I never played just out of habit.  What I did start doing was managing the computer program out of habit, but then it slowly dawned on my what a huge waste that was and I stopped.  But the program took some of the sting away by removing the ultimate cause of the behavior: “for mindless fun”.  It turns out my need for efficiency is greater than my need to not be bored… go figure (robot alert).

So those two things work great for me for behaviors that I know are a waste and I can’t really remove the ultimate causes for… but what if the behavior creates its own ultimate cause?  Drinking too much soda, for example.  OK, let’s examine this action for  moment.  Why do people drink soda to start with?  That is different for everyone, but a lot of it has to do with the way we are raised I think.  People who grow up around soda drinkers tend to also drink soda. This was certainly my case.  When I was going to Snow College, I drank about 6 or 7 Mountain Dews a day.  It was so bad, that I eventually wore down my teethes resistance to acidity and gave my self pretty considerable acid reflux.  I don’t lament it though, or blame myself, I had no idea at the time it was having such a negative impact.  When the time came though, it was really hard to give up.  It felt like there was this new driving need in my life “the need for mountain dew”  right up there with “the need to be accepted by peers”.  This need was self-created, that is the first realization.  I drank it because I had created this need, and because I created I could also un-create it.  This knowledge is key.  You aren’t a product of your past habits, they are the product of a past you.  “Past Josh” had screwed me over, now it is up to “Present Josh” to deal with the cards he has been dealt.  Other than the aforementioned ways, one thing that helps when dealing with a powerful addiction is to take it one step at a time.  Go from 7 Dews, to 4 Dews, to a Dew a day, then every other day, until it is weak enough to just kick altogether.  Another thing that is huge is to take on a new behavior that you value more that the current one.  For me, this was Drum and Bugle Corps.  It is impossible to march and drink soda all the time.  The summer of ’09, I had one MD, and the next day I felt like such trash that I almost developed a residual sickness to the beverage.  Corps stayed, Dew went.  It was easy choice when put into that perspective.

Presence has a lot to do with it.  Before you do the behavior, take a quick second to take a deep breathe in and a deep breathe out.  When you pause and listen to the moment, you can sometimes see how silly what you are about to do is, and how it is not the way you want to live your life anymore.  This is the method for behavioral change I recommend the most, because presence will not only allow you to change behaviors you already know are causing you and others suffering, but will also point you in the next direction you need to go in to reduce the general suffering of your life.  That is how I build momentum for activities, like the one I am doing now.

When I sat down to write this, I had a thought.  “I should blog”.  Then, that thought turned into a feeling: self-evaluation and judgement.  Then, because I just happened to be there to recognize that I feeling, I remember that I do this for fun.  I have few readers, and I don’t advertise.  My blogs are about stuff that care deeply about.  This is just an enjoyable activity, and I was adding a behavior to this that literally served no function.  This realization allowed me to pull my favorite trick out, “Just write once sentence, write the title”  So I did. Then I wrote the rest of this all in one sitting.  Why?  Because I freakin love to write.  That is how I write poems too.  I often just think of the last rhyming couplet, and then write the poem backwards from the end.  Two lines turns into four, which turns into two stanzas until I am done.  This is also how tunes are written.  And academic papers.  “Just write the thesis.” or “Just work on the conclusion for 5 minutes”  the work is a self-reinforcing behavior because it is fun, but starting it is not.  Momentum is an important concept for behavior change, and starting it can be just as difficult as stopping it.  But just as necessary!  Many of the ideas I mentioned earlier can be used in reverse to gain momentum.

Sometimes it is difficult to start a process that is goal oriented because the goal fulfills a different need than the process.  Many musicians start playing to become famous and soon realize that while you are practicing, no one is paying any attention to you at all.  This goes against the natural order of things, and will not last long.  For me, music these days is a way to communicate with my friends and one of the ways I reach the present moment and the peace that is there.  The process of practice fulfills these needs, and therefore is not difficult to start or maintain.  If you are progress oriented, it is difficult to improve because you can become easily frustrated with how slowly improvement comes.  Change the reason you play, and you will play more often (and achieve those old nasty goals, even though you don’t care about them any more… you are too busy having a great time!).  Real quickly, while I am thinking about it, the two blogs I learned most of this stuff from are zenhabits.net and Ramit Sethi’s blog: IWTYTBR.

Often though, there are behaviors we have such an adverse reaction to even THINKING about doing that we are blocked significantly from doing them, even if we are truly motivated to get them done.  Applying for jobs, going to the gym, starting a diet, all these are great examples. But I have a better one.  “Mitch, you have no idea how hard it is to quit smoking.  Yes I do.  It is as hard as it is to start flossing” -Mitch Hedburg (who died on April Fool’s day… weird right?).  Flossing is stupid.  And it used to be that all my cavities were in between my teeth, because I never flossed.  This is irrational.  It costs a lot of money to not floss, and almost no money or time to do so.  But literally everyone hates it.  How do you stop hating it? You turn it into a habit.  How?  Floss just one tooth.  That’s it.  Every night, or morning (whenever you brush most often, try to link those behaviors) floss one tooth.  If you continue flossing that is a bonus.   But you are required to floss the one.  Do this every night, and you will pretty surprised to find how quickly you manifest the whole behavior.  Starting a behavior that you “need” to do by chopping it into digestible chunks is an essential practice in my book, and one I would not be able to live without.  I am positive I have known this intuitively my whole life, but being present to it has made me happier and more productive than I have ever been before.  That’s it! You are the gardener, go get rid of some weeds and plant some neat flowers!  They all start from seed!

“Though we all know what boredom is, most normal adults do not experience sheer boredom very often. We are stressed, rushed, and worried, but we are seldom purely bored–in part because we are so stressed, rushed, and worried. Time without anything we must attend to usually feels like a breather, not like a monotony. To get a feel for what sheer boredom is like, we must hearken back to childhood. Children and adolescents are frequently bored, so bored they can hardly even stand it. Their perfectly normal developmental need for constant stimulation, for exploring and ongoing learning, is often thwarted in a world of long trips, rainy afternoons, and study halls. In childhood, boredom can be excruciating, like a chronic spiritual headache, or a powerful thirst with no beverage to be had. It can hurt so bad that the poor kid feels like yelling out loud, or throwing something noisy at a wall. Extreme boredom is arguably a form of pain.” -Martha Stout